When I heard a rumor that Freaknik was returning to Atlanta, I was initially in shock, completely caught off guard. After a couple of google searches and phone calls, to my surprise, evidence of the rumors where starting to solidify. Spring break 2010 is here to give CPR to a legend! But the question remains. Will it even have a snowballs chance in hell of coming close to living up to the legacy of it's former glory? That's a big shadow to walk behind. Like trying to put a twelve year old in Shaqs shoes, pushing him on court with the Globetrotter's and blowing the whistle! Ok. Play ball! Can this really happen overnight? Who knows. You know what they said in Field of Dreams........ "If you build it, they will come."
When I was still in Junior High, the stories I heard about freaknic was a phenomenal pre-puberty adolescents revelation of heaven on earth!!! Boatloads of sexy ladies riding on top of cars topless, miniskirts and no panties, random sexual acts in the backseat of cars both traveling and parked, wet t-shirts with no bra, liquor- weed & head in hotel lobbies and bathrooms, big-booties blunts and debaucherous "buked-naked" action in 3-D panoramic view with surround sound and random condom wrappers and panties laying around errrrrrrwhere!!! .......... Well, ........ at least that's how the kids who had family members in college down south painted the picture anyway.
As I got older Freaknic Atlanta became the equivilant to the search for the holy grail. It was like talking about the Super bowl or March Madness or some shit!!! Then something happened. Shit just up and dissappeared. It all came to a grinding halt.
(In my best Lil John impersonation):
Us: "WHAT!" .......
Them: It's OVER. The city ain't having it no more.
Us: "WHAT!"........
Them: Too much bullshit. Mayor Bill Campbell was like "Hell!2daMuthafukin'-Nall!!!" we ain't having it pal.
Us: "WHAT!?!"
(In my best Sheriff Andy Griffith Mayberry impersonation):
Them: "I mean come on, ..... be realistic buddy. Did you really think we where gonna let you pistol-packing-blunt-smoking-rosco's-chickenbones-laying-everywhere-leaving-feltmarker-cd-pushing-trunk-rattling-badonkadonk-shaking-trojan-packing-norcotic-networking-gang-affiliated-OmegaKappaAlphaBlahzey-what-ever-thefuck-party-packing-thizzil-popping-ass-black-bastards make that shit an ongoing tradition indefinitely and get away with it?!"
Us: "What!?!"
Them: "You cut off traffic like Kane in Menace, block the roads, stop whole fucking intersections to get some head at a red light, leave whole gotdamn Bar-B-Q rib bone trails back to your crackhouse like Hansel & fucking Gretel, pollute our fiiiiiiiiiine Coca-Cola with Hennessy and have the audacity to leave the empty bottles sitting next to EMPTY gotdamn trash cans, pollute the airwaves with your pocket-full-of-stones-southernplayalystic-smack-a-bitch-50WattAmp-monkey-music, toss out condoms & tampons from mid-town to Buckhead like its your gotdamn bedroom littered with party balloons and jelly doughnuts, piss-streams longer than the mississippi river down the sidewalks like project elevators, not to mention keeping our entire unit working 12 hour shifts on weekends, sexual assaults, attempted robberies, lewd conduct, traffic jams, massive littering, and you black bastards wanna do this shit for three days straight year after year after year after year after fucking year, AND YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT A FLYING MONKEY'S CHANCE IN HURRICANE KATRINA TO SEE A SEQUAL TO THE WIZARD OF OZ AND WE'RE NOT GONNA STOP IT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Us: Ummmmmmmmm, ............. ummmm.............( damn, ...... you got me) .............
OKAAAAAY!
Fast forward spring 2010:
Us: It's back! It's back! It's going down Baby! Nall Fuck-THAT!!!! We seen the flyers niggaaaaahh, .....it's official Bay-Beeeeeeeeeeeee! We back up in this muthafucka! Biaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatch!!!!!!! ;-O
Mayor's office: "Fuck all that shit! We're not even welcoming a G-Rated Freaknik. No permits-No support. Nope. No-way. No-how. That's our story and I'm sticking to it."
Mayor's Office (To the press): "Our primary concern is to make sure we have the public safety and sanitation plans in place throughout the week. So that when people come to our beloved city they have a good time, and that we can ensure that our visitor's are safe, and our residents are safe and not inconvenienced................... WE'RE ON IT!!!"
Later that evening at headquarters:
Sgt Mayberry (briefing his unit) : "Well boys, (gasping)........... Get ready! It's official. Freaknik is back. And this time their bumping CooneTheGooneDaGR8 Life Of The Party the album in their trunks the whole fucking spring break to the end of summer!!! That could only mean one thing fellas. It's gonna be a lot of wet-panties, pajama-jammies, big-booty cuties with Trojan heavy duties, buked-naked black and mild puffing, rough-sex-humpin'-n'-huffin, swisher-splittin', sub-wolfer hitten, blahzey-blah Yaba-Dabba-Doo and Fuck You Too!!!"
CNN NEWS:
Doppler radar has spotted what appears to be a gargantuan swarm of winged porch monkeys with gold teeth flying straight through tornadoes' and hurricanes by the boatload racing towards the South! Their destination appears to be, ............
---- Atlanta, GA.
All pilots are instructed to be alert, prepare for a 3 day storm and utilize the Captain Sullenberger Maneuver to avoid collision with the winged monkeys. It would also be helpful to wear dark sunglasses to block the rays of sun reflecting off the plethora of shimmering gold teeth and custom Pall Wall Grillz that may cause acute blindness and dismay. All Atlanta metropolitan area residences are cautioned to stay in their homes on the weekend of April 16-18, until authorities have confirmed that the "gold-toothed monkeys" have safely returned home to roost. Authorities have also warned local residents to resist the urge to pet and rub the scantily clad beautiful female winged monkeys, as they may be armed and dangerous, hurling razor sharp chicken bones and spitting hollow-tip watermelon seeds at rapid fire like automatic weapons. Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed warned us, "I don't support Freaknik at all, but if you are non-black, stay in the house, my people become hostile when you threaten to throw them out the club, ..... let alone shut down a historically horny 3-day monkey bar-mitzpha! let them party and I guarantee they will leave peaceably. They will not harm you if they are not provoked. Even a vicious pit bull in heat won't bite you while he's fucking."
Sources say their hasn't been a storm of this magnitude in Atlanta since late 1999. Freaknik was originally a picnic sponsored by the DC metro club at Spellman College in the early 80's. It eventually grew into an all out "freak-for-all" where hundreds of thousands of college students, horny bastards and winged gold-tooth monkeys travelled to Atlanta to partake in the festivities that included cookouts and concerts (read: orgies) at parks around the city that continued until the mid 90's. There's even been rumors circulating on Twitter to utilize the hashtag "#LifeOfTheParty" to locate a promoter's list of all spring break after-parties in the entire South! Rapper CooneTheGooneDAGR8 has cancelled opening for T-Pain at a local Atlanta nightclub, to instead perform his Billboard chart climbing hit single "Exotic & Strange Places" on the hood of an SUV parked in the middle of an intersection adjacent to Washington Park surrounded by 10 drop dead gorgeous but-naked stripper's from Strokers in broad daylight! They will be wearing nothing but stilettos, ... and rubber bands on their wrists to collect "donations".
This is Larry King reporting live with CNN News."
Sgt Mayberry: Red Alert! Red Alert! Code 10-97, First batch of ice-grilled winged monkeys already spotted landing at Motel 6 in Marietta Georgia. Proceed with caution.
Marietta Police: Roger that!
Us, Huey & Riley (from the Boondocks) in unison: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah Muthafuckaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! We off to see the Wizard now Got-Damnit!!!
Can't Stop-Won't Stop Niggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!!!!! And we bumpin that CooneTheGooneDAGR8 Exotic & Strange Places on you hoe's!
Life of the Party Biiiiiiiiiiiaaaaatch!!! LOL.
Huey: When we get through brushing our forces with grandpa toothbrush and the rest of this Shout,
we gone call up my baby mamma sister cousin Shae-Shae & Ne-Ne that used to work at Babe's and tell her to tell ALL her friends at Stroker's to slide through for this bomb ass "pre-freaknik-prequal-in-advance-before-it's-actually-here-party!"
Riley: Matter-of-fact, just tweet that shit right now nigga! Twitter #LifeOfTheParty
Everybody: Hell Yeah!!!
Later that night:
Actually, after some deep thoughts on the matter in a euphoria of cush Imo's pizza and and Mike's Hard Lemonade, I've come to the conclusion that it's too good to be true. Too much hype. Ain't no way in hell the 1st annual Return Of Freaknik gonna live up to it's former glory after all these years. But like they say, ......... If you build it, they will come! And ME TOO Got-Damnit! So with that being said, .... hit me up on Twitter and keep me posted and let me know if that shit poppin!!! http://twitter.com/coonethegoone #LifeOfTheParty. If it is, I'm on the first plane to Atlanta that got clear takeoff from the Northside Gold-Tooth Monkeys that's gonna be flocking Lambert airspace. but until then, I'm in the Lou at the Bino baby! Way in the back!
Holla!
http://myspace.com/coonethegoonedagr8 (ADD ME!)
http://youtube.com/coonethegoonedagr8 (SUBSCRIBE!)
http://twitter.com/coonethegoone (FOLLOW ME!)
T-Pain Presents “Freaknik: The Musical” (Part 1)">Freaknik: The Musical
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